im currently in love with this new song from chris brown.
with you.
sweet giler ok the song.
can someone like put the song in their phone then meet me and bluetooth it to me?
haha.
anyway i had fun at town just now with kak syidah and her frens.
cool.
i miss my dad.
my brother had a dream about him and i dont.
not fair.
hmph.


1/19/2008 12:17:00 AM

i was looking forward to this day.
i dyed my hair black back cause you said my hair was a failure-suck.
i went to get my hair done.
i really cut down on my food cause you said i was fat.
all i ate was a chicken pie everyday at work.
i stayed up till 3 in the morning ytd so that i could sms you to plan for the outing today.
you said i was irritating cause i kept on smsing you.
so i cut down.
you said that you were always the one who had to call to talk otp.
so now i called you instead.
i crack my brains to think on what to wear for this outing cause i wanted to look good for you.
yes, it was my fault cause i was late.
but its not like i was from home and i was late on purpose.
i had religious class and only during the class that i got to know that its a two hour class today.
i couldnt inform you cause it would be rude to use hp infront the teacher(ustazah).
then i quickly get ready after the class.
couldnt you wait for awhile?
i felt so stupid in the train.
everyone was looking.
i was more then willing to change just for you.
i dont know if you can see what im willing to do just to be with you.
yes, its stupid.
yet i don't know why i still do it.
call me whatever.
i dont care.
im stubborn; yes.
and now you are avoiding me.
just like the old times.

Sometimes I wish we could just pretend.
Even if only for one weekend.
So come on tell me is this the end?


1/13/2008 11:45:00 PM

it happened so fast.
i couldnt believe that it has been 8 days since my dad left us.
it feels like as if he is on a long holiday and that he will come back sooner or later.

the night before, we all had dinner together at home.
he was quiet.
he still joke around with us and tease my mum but it feels different.
after that my brother and i went to our parents room.
i squeeze in between my bro and dad.
and i lay beside my dad.
very close.
then i saw him looking at me in a different manner.
somehow i feel loved.
i could feel that my dad wanted to put his arms around me but he just looked at me.
didnt say anything else.
i was so close to him.
when i was a kid, my dad love to play around with me.
we will play wrestling and watch wrestling together.
he loves to tickle me with his beards.
love to poke my stomach.
we were just very close.
if my mum and i were to disagree, i will complain to him.
he tried his best to get whatever i wanted.
even though he will nag, he will still try.
a power of a dad is diffrent from a mum's.

and then the day after.
i was asleep in my room.
he came in.
he said '' lina, bangun na. sapu kan vicks kat dade baba. sakit uh. takleh bernafas.''
without hesitation, i took the vicks on my computer table and when into his room and saw him lying down on the floor trying to catch his breath.
i sat beside him and applied the vicks onto his chest.
just like the first time he came back from the gym.
he had breathing difficulties too.
and then he said '' dah takya sapu lagi. urut je.''
so he sat down and i massage his chest and ask him '' asal tak gi doctor? gi la. jom kite gi skrg. kat sebelah block ade clinic.''
he just kept quiet.
he said some prayers.
i was still massaging.
and then he slowly lean back.
i thought he wanted to lie down on the floor but when i looked at his face, his eyes was looking up.
he was shaking.
like a stroke.
i shouted for my mum, she was in the kitchen preparing lunch for us.
she ran into the room.
she took my dad by the head and put it on her lap.
i called the ambulance.
and then i came back in the room.
my dad couldnt talk.
i was so scared.
i tried to pump hios heart.
i didnt know how to do CPR so i just pump my dad's heart.
5-10 mins later the ambulance came.
they took over.
they tried CPR.
then the shocking thingy i dunno what it is called.
he dad was conscious a lil.
then he close his eyes again.
they brought him to the hospital.
i followed.
my mum went with my aunty.
i was alone in the front seat.
i feel so useless.
all the way till we reached the hospital, they did CPR.
i was crying like hell.
i was praying.
i thought the worst that could happened, he will be wawrded later on.

when we reached the hospital,he was pushed into the emergency room and i had to wait outside.
alone.
everybody was looking.
i didnt care.
shortly after my bro came.
then my mum and my aunty.
we waited.
the nurse came out.
he said ''erm, he was actually announce dead the moment he reached the hospital. but we are still trying. so i will comeback later to inform you about his condition.''
the moment he said dead, i feel like kicking his balls.
my mum was already crying like hell.
we were all so damn worried.
shortly after, he came out again and said '' im sorry. we couldnt save him. even with dose of medicine,he still did not respond. im sorry.''
it was still so clear.
my mum went weak and she sat at the wheelchair.
i was hugging her and crying.
i couldnt believe it.
it felt like as though i was dreaming.
cause this happened alot of time in the drama series and in the movies.
it didnt occur to me that it could actually happened to me.
we waited again to see his body.
then we went to the mortuary.
his body was so cold.
so so cold.
i was looking into his face wishing that he would wake up.
his body was already wrapped.
his body was all yellow, numb and cold.
we got to see him for 2 hours.
when we informed our relatives, nobody could believe it.
my dad was a very strong and healthy man.
he loves to tease other ppl and make jokes.

so we thought the next morning we could bring back the body.
my mum had to went down to the hospital to give statement cause my father's death was sudden and he had no medical history.
one thing happened after another.
they told us that they have to operate my dad.
what is there to operate.
cant they pity the body?
could you imagine the pain that my dad had to go through?
later on, the body was brought back to be wash/bath.
my brother told me that they sew it anyhow and that it was lose.
they actually cut my dad opened.
so when bathing they body, they had to be very gentle.
after that the body was brought to the living room so that it can be wrapped with the white cloth.
after that, my mum, brother and me was called forward to look at my dad for the last time.
i couldnt help it.
im actually traimatised cause i saw everything.
i was the last person he talked to.
my brother hugged me.
we kissed my dad.
the most touching part was when my grandma kissed my dad.
and when the ustat said ''cik, halal kan makan minum dier. susu yang dier minum, halal kan.''
she nodded and she cried
she is suffering from amnesia.
she didnt know who my dad was.
she couldnt remember much.
even though somehow there will definitely be a connection between a mum and her son.
she said that she saw my dad the day before.
she said he came to my aunty house at 3 am in the morning.
but my dad has already passed away the day before.
but the thing that make me 'redha' is that he looked so calm.
for now, there is nothig i can do to repay my dad but just to offer him prayers.
hopefully i will meet him again.

my dad was a very good man.
a filial son.
a good brother.
a good husband.
a responsible dad.

for those who knows my dad, pls forgive him if he have ever hurt your feelings in anyway.
halal kan makan minum, hutang piutang dier.

i will miss you dad.
i will take care of mum.
pls forgive me for all the wrong things that i have done.
halal kan makan minum lina.
i love you dad.
i know i have never told you i love you but i believe that you should know that.
i will pray for you and i will always miss you dad.
we will meet again.


1/07/2008 10:19:00 PM